


An Empty Man

by Kummitustytto



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: A lot of pain, Angst, what's wrong with me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 22:21:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2286516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kummitustytto/pseuds/Kummitustytto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something horrible has happened but memories are slippery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Empty Man

**Author's Note:**

> I got the inspiration from a headcanon I saw in tumblr's stucky tag quite some time ago. The headcanon was more or less that after the events of catws and getting his memories back Bucky would want to collect things he can make belong to himself by law, things that have his name on them and so can’t be taken away from him even if he lost his memories again.
> 
> I put at the end some tags/warnings that I feel would spoil things, but if you want to look at those before reading, see the notes at the end.

Under an old tree there stood an empty man. He felt like he was lost but didn’t even know from where. He wasn’t looking at what was around him, not really, he was trying to look inside of his own mind but found nothing, only a cold, numb emptiness. Or maybe he didn’t want to find anything. Something was wrong. The whole world was wrong, it had turned foreign and so horridly, horridly wrong.

Something terrible had happened, the man was suddenly sure. Something so terrible he couldn’t bear to remember it. It would kill him and he would have deserved it. Somehow he still couldn’t help but try to poke that surprisingly thin barrier between himself and the memories, especially those from the past few days. He would have given anything to not remember, but who could live like that; knowing that everything had collapsed on them and pretend not to notice? It felt like he had been mortally wounded and he would bleed to death whether or not he acknowledged the injury.

He reached to his pocket with the hand that was like a normal human hand, the other was made of cruel metal. He wished he would have been completely made out of metal, you couldn’t hurt a machine, it wouldn’t feel a thing. He found a wallet that was full of different cards. From those he finally found a name, James Buchanan Barnes, that’s what they said, it had to be who he was. There were credit cards, library cards, a driver’s license, all by the same name. Why were there so many?

It was because they had his name on them. Every card was his, even if all else got stolen. He could loose his memories and his whole self but still have those plastic pieces. Like it would matter. It had felt like it mattered, it had mattered, he remembered it now. Those cards had been really important to him at one point, but it seemed ridiculous now. There was also something else that was made his by law and suddenly he was so scared that he wanted to throw the whole wallet away. He didn’t want to look, but he did.

It was a piece of paper, folded small enough to fit in the wallet. Did he always carry that with him? To remind himself it was true? To foul himself into believing that this paper would make it impossible to take the other person away from him? Yes, that’s what he had been doing, but the world didn’t work that way.

It was a marriage certificate, it had his name and a name of Steve Rogers on it. The man under the tree stared at the paper and felt something scream inside of him like a wild animal. _Monster!_ There were tears on his face and he didn’t know exactly why. How could you do it? At that moment he felt so much pain he started to think that maybe he really had been physically wounded. But all the bruises were on his soul. Did he even have a soul after all this? Was he even a human being anymore? _You don’t deserve to be here you monster!_

Ignoring the tears and screams inside of him he walked slowly away from the tree, towards a row of stones. He couldn’t tell how he had even come there. He passed a few stones and stopped in front of a fresh grave covered in flowers. He stared at the headstone and the words written on it, he looked back at the paper in his hand as if he was compering the names. Steve Rogers. That’s what they both said. His legs weren’t strong enough to support his weight, he wasn’t strong enough. He could have given anything to be in the ground instead of Steve, or even be there with him. After what he had done he wouldn’t deserve to be buried next to Steve. Everything was hazy, like the world around him was slowly dissolving into an ice cold mist that was suffocating him. There were even more tears now and a growing realization grasping at him, the shouts in his mind rushing closer, becoming more loud, becoming him, again. There was no air for him to breathe.

“Bucky?” called a wary female voice and the man – Bucky? – raised his head. He saw a redhead woman looking at him, her body tensed like she wasn’t sure if the man was a threat or not. “Bucky, we have been looking for you, we all were worried.”

She was speaking slowly, like trying to calm down a dangerous animal and maybe like trying to assure a scared child that everything would be okay. Her face was familiar, he had to know her somehow.

“You should kill me, Natasha”, words came out of his mouth.

“It wasn’t your fault, Bucky. We…”

“WE should have _known better!_ ” his voice was full of rage and despair. It was the wild animal speaking, the one he had felt screaming inside him, it had to be Bucky, it was him. Bucky screamed his words at Natasha so aggressively that she took a step backwards and was clearly ready to reach out for a gun if it was needed. She knew this man could be a danger to even those he cared about. He had proven that. “We should have known, Natasha! HYDRA doesn’t just let their favorite toy escape and have a happy life, that just doesn’t happen! I am not Bucky, I haven’t been since the 40s. I’m a weapon and those can go off, I did and now he’s… he’s dead and no one can fix that! I’m not a human so stop acting like I am! Look what happened!”

“Please, just come with me, you still have friends who care about you and don’t blame you. No one can ever replace Steve, I know that, but… it wasn’t your fault. None of us saw it coming, we thought you were free from HYDRA’s control, we should have been more thorough. There’s so many things that should have been done but the worst did happen and can’t be undone. We can just try to focus on the future.”

“It’s not about whose fault it is or isn’t, it happened. I’m dangerous.”

“No, we can fix it and make sure, really sure, that every last bit of HYDRA is gone. Just let us help you, please.”

“Even of you’re right, what’s the point? I don’t… I can’t feel this and just… live.”

“You’re not killing yourself, Bucky, I won’t…”

The thought was clear now, clearer than in days. He knew exactly what he should do – probably should have done ages ago. But Natasha’s assumption was wrong.

“No, no”, he said slowly, “I’m not talking about killing myself. I just can’t be alive anymore. I want to become the Winter Soldier again. Don’t look so scared, Nat, I’m not planning to run back to HYDRA. Winter Soldier is a weapon and a weapon can be used by whoever has it. I want SHIELD, the new SHIELD, use the Winter Soldier to take down everything that’s left of HYDRA. And I want you to make sure no one uses this weapon in wrong purposes.”

“Bucky, no, you can’t ask that.”

“Why not? I’m sure SHIELD can figure out the technology that HYDRA used to wipe my mind empty and all that. I haven’t been human in a long time and I definitely don’t want to be that. Please, Natasha. You either promise me that or you can shoot me right now.”

Those were the only two options he had. The fact that his mind was even now so foggy and disordered proved it. Right now his memories and experiences were unfolding to him, he could get a pretty good grip of what they all had been calling Bucky, but even then the memories were slippery and hurt too much to look too long or too closely. He could feel them trying to escape him or maybe he was the one pushing them away. Either way it proved he could not keep pretending to be a person much longer. It was too much pain to be a person, it was too much.

“Steve wouldn’t want you to…” Natasha said quietly.

“I don’t fucking care!” Bucky shouted at her and then continued more quietly: “That’s not all. This pain is turning me into the Winter Soldier anyway, I can feel that. And when that happens I need to be controlled by the right people. Do you know what really broke me when HYDRA was turning me into their puppet? I fought against it, Natasha, I was pretty strong, but then they told me that Steve was dead. After that I didn’t really see a point in fighting and that is the same feeling I’m starting to have now, same pain, same loss, same emptiness. Just worse this time. Because now it’s not just some HYDRA scientist telling me Steve’s gone and showing me headlines of news papers. It’s my own memory about me killing him before neither of us even knew what was happening. One moment everything’s fine and we’re watching tv and the next this metal arm crushes his throat. It’s so vivid, I just can’t! And this time… we really were happy, I really loved him, with my whole fucking heart, and then… My mind can’t take it and it already knows an exit door it can use. Please, Natasha, promise me to make sure I’ll be made into Winter Soldier once again and won’t hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”

“How am I supposed to know, who’s innocent and who can be trusted?”

“I know you and I trust you.”

Natasha dropped her gaze into the ground. Her face had been a good mask this whole time, not letting almost any emotions show, but now there was a flash of pain on her face. She looked like she was fighting against tears, then she took a deep breath and looked up.

“If you’re sure and there’s nothing I can do to change your mind, I promise.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. Will you please just come with me now?”

As she turned there really were tears in her eyes. Bucky was sorry he was making his friends to do this, but he was truly grateful for Natasha nonetheless. And he followed, anxiously waiting to be emptied again.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay actually there's just one warning there: Major Character Death
> 
> I hope you enjoyed.


End file.
